Hi dear ones!
Am going to whine today. Big time! So if you are in a good mood, please skip this post. Its one of those lonely times for me. Not in the literal sense….but the poetic sense which is a more real one….where you are crowded around with everyone you know but don’t have a soul to talk to.
I’ve been swimming through some good times in recent past. Great time shooting some amazing assignments. Got a boatload of praises and accolades. I rode high on them. But i don’t know exactly what it is about this sense of loneliness and sense of emptiness. Either God really loves having fun by rubbing a ice wall on one face and a burning pan on the other. OR its gotta something to do with the “every action has equal and opposite reaction” thing. [As a matter of fact, nothing happens overnight. There isn’t anything real in the terms ‘overnight success’ or ‘sudden fall’. This agitation within me is long lived and looks like its coming to the surface now]

Am spending a minimum of 9 hours everyday at a job that i hate. I loathe every moment that i am forced to sweat out on the only job which brings food to the table for my family. So i cant complain. In my moments of self talk i am visualizing all the experiments that other aspiring/established photographers (& creatives) are working on, am day dreaming about the work i would have in future, am fantasizing the amazing studio which i would own someday and call it my workspace and so forth and so forth.
All of a sudden there is so much suffocation. So much of a rant. My creative spirits cry almost everyday for the things am forced to do that i never want to do. Its such a fight! From almost past one week while am in limelight for some good clicks, there is a inner fight for finding space to work on my dreams. Am going through a sea of images that the world’s best are creating day in and night out. My work suddenly sucks to me. The veins under my skin starts pumping venom coz it knows that there is still time for the day to arrive when i would walk away from my day job for good. I thought the few amazing souls i know personally would hold me by hands and walk me through this shit. I walked up to few of them, but they couldn’t soothe me. I waited for few others to turn up, but they didn’t. Am so suffocated that i cant speak right. I am so handicapped that i cant express correctly the storm that’s going inside me. But guess what, when you are in need of your guardian angels, there is a fair chance that they are fighting their own wars. Probably they too are fighting alone. So i too have to! My eyes are tired of the wait for light to show up across the tunnel. The feet is sore. The muscle tendons are tearing up. The mind is craving for some peace and rest. The ears are chocked of all the noice around. Who is having fun watching all this?! [request to those few amazing souls, please don’t pick up the phone mindlessly to call me and banter. Am not in the senses to explain anything]

By today evening i felt so left out that i looked up to my own writings for some glucose. I did found a little. Few posts did bring lill smiles to me but i knew its short lived. The source of this aggression and despair is quite strong and mighty. Being able to keep oneself alive and kicking is no joke. There are kids around the block who earn millions while playing video games. But lets face it, not everybody is that a champ or lucky duck. Evening, my wife walked upto me and said “vomit everything that you have within you my love! I wont judge you. I wont even advice you with irritating solutions.” All i could do is smile and shrug off the offer. I know she is fighting a bigger storm at the moment. There are atleast few things in my life that’s on the road, but she has nothing that’s even moving. Half of my storm is her’s. What do i puke on her?! So i thought of spilling out on the rest of world who doesn’t care who i am or whats going on with me. That works for me. I have to push this load off my chest somehow….this blog is the best place i could think of.

I know dear! I know am not alone in this fight. I know there are a lot of you out there who are rocking their boat and blowing up all their blood and sweat to survive the storm. I know there are a lot of you out there who are shrunk to the corners of their room and silently working on their dreams, biting metal plates between their teeth as the violent shocks of worldly responsibilities and harsh competition pass through them every single day. Some may argue that we may not be working hard enough. May be, but probably we are learning to work harder and harder with these times. Some may insist that we aren’t taking enough risks. But we know we are being rationale. Probably there is not enough land visible to us from the top right now to secure a safe landing in case of crash. Being a maniac in every word and action may not be the best solution all the time. We are doing everything right, everything that makes sense, everything that’s in our limits of survival. Probably we just have to hold on till the time arrives. There’s only one thing i can recollect at present that can ease all of hustlers at the moment. I read this at a Church’s message board during my post graduation days “if God has brought you to this, He will take you through too”. I had to trust these words with all my heart back then ๐Ÿ˜‰ and i have to, today!

Dear Almighty! Am waiting! Am waiting with my eyes laid on the road! Hope you are watching!

Cheers to the hustlers!

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